Dear Texas

It’s hot. And humid. Remember when the AC broke in the house? I hated you a little bit that night. But you wooed me back with your amazing Mexican food and enormous pizza. Why can’t you grow normal grass? It’s so deceiving in its delicious green-ness. But then I come closer and see that it’s just a bunch of weedy, prickly tufts covering the hard ground and home to thousands of tiny fire ants and lots of frightening little spiders. Everything is bigger here, and maybe also louder. In every tree or bush there is a chainsaw bug (or five?) sawing away at something. I have never heard such loud insects. (By the way, apparently they’re called cicadas, not chainsaw bugs. Although I think it’s a much more apt name.) I love your rain. Especially when I’m inside and I hear it pounding on the roof. It comes down so hard only for a few minutes, then it’s gone. But my favorite thing about you is your sky. You have the most beautiful sunsets. And clouds! If I could paint, I would paint your clouds. I feel like I could do it. Maybe because they already look painted on the sky up there. Except for that they move so unusually fast. You’re at your most beautiful, Texas, at about 6pm and a little overcast. When there are breaks in the massive dark clouds and the sun breaks through just the tiniest bit, shooting sunrays down. That’s when I think about how glad I am to be here.

identity crisis

In 1962 one man had a brilliant, albeit short-lived, idea. Martin K. Speckter decided that there needed to be the option for a combination exclamation point and question mark—an exclarotive, an exclamaquest. This advertisement man thought the surprised rhetorical question “Who wouldn’t love these prices?!” could look way cooler. Thus, the interrobang was born. And promptly died. Interrogatio being Latin for “a rhetorical question,” and “bang” the printer’s slang for exclamation point. Throughout the ‘60s and early ‘70s, the interrobang key was included in many typewriters. Like the new kid at school, the interrobang had a brief period of popularity in the ‘60s, even appearing in some dictionaries. However, this really awesome punctuation mark was never officially accepted into the Punctuation Club. Although it is no longer used, it can still be found in MicrosoftWord in several fonts, including Calibri. In fact, open up a Word document right now, type in ALT 8253, and you’ll have a rare glimpse of the punctuation mark that didn’t impress.

all I want is a little work at work

7:30 I hit snooze on my alarm clock. 7:35 I hit snooze on my alarm clock. 7:40 I seriously consider hitting snooze on my alarm clock, but eventually talk myself into getting out of bed. 8:58 I arrive at work to the sound of crickets—inside, of course. 9:07 I have already started up my computer and read through all of the emails sent since the end of the day yesterday, three times each. 9:07 I have run out of things to do. 9:08 I open up my firefox browser to the NewTek webpage and stare at it for a while, scrolling up and down every few seconds, trying to look busy. 9:11 I read through every single one of my (153) junk emails. 9:21 I think about the eternity between me and lunch while staring blankly at the computer screen. 9:22 I organize the six windows on my desktop so that they overlap each other in a seemingly random and naturally esthetic way. 9:24 I pull up My Documents and open up a document or two, switching between them and scrolling up and down as if they hold something of interest to me. 9:26 I take a long drink from my water bottle. 9:26 and a half. Seriously‽

I really enjoy editing. If only I could do it more often. In my capacity as editing intern. But instead, I have spent hours on the Chicago Manual of Style website, learned a lot of new words, and written a lot of non-NewTek and wholly Sharlie-related things. Never before has eight hours seemed so long than when I have to spend about five and a half of them desperately trying to look busy. For you see, I am positioned in my office so that at least four people (and every person that walks into our department) have a perfect view of my computer screen from their desks. That’s really not conducive to my time wasting efforts. So, in order to look like I am working on something important, I will impart some of my newly acquired knowledge to you.

Have you ever wondered why we put the period inside quotation marks at the end of a quote (for example, “sushi makes me puke.”)? …Or am I the only one that wonders these things? Well, back in the first days of the printing press, the period and the comma were the smallest bits of raised metal, putting them in danger of being broken or bent when used. And if they were put outside the quotation mark (for example, “sushi makes me puke”.) they would most certainly break. Thus, they have been placed safely within the ending quotation marks. And that’s the reason we do it today. Fascinating, huh? Good conversation material for a party.

didn't you want to improve your vocabulary today?

Lugubrious (adj): mournful, dismal, or gloomy, especially in an affected, exaggerated, or unrelieved manner.

Synecdoche (noun): a figure of speech in which a part is used for the whole (as in “hand” for “sailor”), the whole for a part “as “cutthroat” for “assassin”), the specific for the general (as “thief” for “pickpocket”), or the material for the thing made from it (as “steel” for “sword”).

Prevaricate (verb): to speak falsely or misleadingly; deliberately mistake or create an incorrect impression; lie.

Punctilious (adj): strict or exact in the observance of the formalities or amenities of conduct or actions.

Ameliorate (verb): to make or become better, more bearable, or more satisfactory; improve.

Esoteric (adj): understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest; belonging to the select few; private; secret; confidential.

Harbinger (noun): herald; anything that foreshadows a future event; omen; sign.

everything is bigger in texas

Uhhh, seriously.

http://www.makli.com/big-lou-s-pizza-san-antonio-005317/

I ate one of those with the help of six people. And when I say we ate it, I mean we ate some of it. After ringing plates full of grease from our slices. Totally worth it. Thanks, Lou.

it's almost biblical

Remember “Mulan?” Remember that adorable little lucky cricket? Remember looking at an actual cricket and thinking, “man, that guy’s cute!” No, you don’t. Because they’re gross. And Disney lies.

Texas has a serious problem. It is completely overrun with giant crickets. And apparently, it’s not the first time. (http://www.usatoday.com/weather/news/2007-07-26-cricket-invasion_N.htm.) Following Tropical Storm Alex (he turned out to be too wimpy to qualify for Hurricane status), the ground in Texas is now much softer this summer, attracting thousands of crickets to lay their eggs early and pester the world. If only they would stay outside, they might be more bearable. I thought it was charming the first day I walked into work and was serenaded by an orchestra of crickets all morning. Then I saw one run by my desk and under the chair right next to me. Sick. The charm was gone. Then I began to realize (how had I missed it before??) that dead crickets littered every corner of the building. Live ones huddled in door jambs. Their song echoed in the bathrooms. Visions of Jiminy Cricket in his dapper vest and top hat vanished. It only got worse after that, as my foot narrowly avoided being scuttled over at Whataburger and the stench of their piled carcasses assaulted me outside the movie theater. I dread the day that I lose focus while making my way across a parking lot-turned-obstacle coarse and accidentally crunch one underfoot. That will not be a good day.

Dear World

I really need to teach you something. So you can teach your children and your friends and your enemies and especially anyone who is ever going to write anything ever. There is something called the Serial Comma. You know this comma, world, I know you do. But for some inexplicable reason, some have chosen to ignore it, some deny its existence, and some make fun of it behind its back. Besides being rude, that is also incorrect. So, let me (re)introduce you to my friend Serial Comma.

“The flag is red, white, and blue.”

Notice the two commas. That second one is my good friend, Serial. And, unless you are British or a journalist, the rule is to include it. It’s the RULE. Don’t believe me? Read for yourself.

http://www.protrainco.com/essays/serial-comma.htm

And from the ever tactful and often hilarious CMOS Q&A: http://www.chicagomanualofstyle.org/CMS_FAQ/Commas/Commas36.html

Do it. Or else you might end up looking really ridiculous, like the author who wrote this book dedication, “To my parents, Mother Teresa and the Pope.” That’s embarrassing.