Sunday, October 4, 2009

i'll leave the window open

Ignore the fact that this very idea was just made into a TV show, because I thought of it first--have you ever wished that you could see your life exactly six months or a year in the future? I have. I do. School. China. Work. Humanities. Italian. Boys. Decisions are hard. It would be so much easier if I could just see in the future what I haven't yet decided in my present. Follow?

Six months. Will I have a better handle on my life then? Will I have more things figured out? Will I be that much more grown up? I wish there was a grown up meter. No, I don't. Then my immaturity could be proven, not just conjectured at and laughed about. But really, will I be six months smarter six months from now? I don't feel any more grown up than I was in April. Sometimes I think I'll grow up later. When I'm married, then I'll be more mature. But that's wrong. I need to be mature now. I need to grow up now.

Ok, six months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Heck, 21 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things. So, since 21 years is kind of significant to my limited human perspective, I'm just going to apply that logic to the next six months. They seem pretty important to me. And they are, aren't they? They could shape the rest of my life. Tomorrow could shape the rest of my life.

Is it worth it? Is it worth the missing and the leaving and the making up for it later?
But how can I pass it up? How can I pass up the memories and the life experience and the adventure?

And anyway, life is going by too fast. I'm getting older. I'm getting older! I'm not really ok with that. I won't always be able to do these kinds of things. But can I do these kinds of things now? Can I really? No, no, no. I can do anything I want. I just have to pay the price. Literally and otherwise. I could do it if I really wanted. but do I really want?

what I really want is for Peter Pan to show up at my window.